We have nine months to prepare us for having a baby but when the day finally arrives and we become parents everything changes. However many baby books we’ve read, however many birth preparation classes we’ve been to nothing can prepare us for the reality of becoming a parent. It’s wonderful and scary and overwhelming and brilliant. And it’s hard for mums to share all of it with our partners and explain to them how we’re really feeling. Here are 8 things every mum wants a new dad to know about how she’s feeling after birth.
It will take us a while to get used to our new bodies
We know (at least we hope) that you still love and desire us. But we feel more than a little self conscious about our post birth bodies. Those days wearing adult nappies or sanitary towels the size of foam mattresses really took their toll. We’re aware of our mum tums and stretch marks. Our bits just don’t feel the same as before. We worry you’ll notice. Our boobs either feel cow like and humungous or like snooker balls in socks. Our bodies have changed and it’s going to take us a little time to get used to them. When we have sex then all our insecurities kick in, however much you’ve tried to make us feel beautiful and relaxed. We’re trying, we’re really trying to see all our marks and wobbly bits as badges that we wear for being such warriors after giving birth but sometimes all we see in the mirror is flab.
We will be hijacked by our hormones
After birth we will sometimes be overwhelmed and taken over by our hormones. Be prepared for Day Three. Even if we forget about it. On that day we will probably weep inconsolably for no apparent reason. We might be on the floor sobbing but not be able to explain why we are so distraught. Give us a big hug. Tell us we’re a good mum and you’re here with us and it will all be OK. Remember it’s just a post birth surge of hormones.
If we continue to struggle and the light seems to have gone out of our eyes please help us get some help.
We have no clue what we’re doing either
Every mum is supposed to be hit with maternal instincts and innate parenting ‘know how’ but no one gives you a manual when you have a baby. We’re new at this whole parenting thing, just like you are, and we are pretty scared that we will mess it all up and get it wrong. From that first day in the maternity ward when they said we could go home we panicked. We didn’t even know how to bend our baby’s tiny frog like legs into their sleepsuit. We felt like strapping our vulnerable newborn into the car seat was a challenge from the Krypton Factor. Everyone seems to hand over the baby to mum, as if she knows what to do. But we’re so worried that we don’t.
Don’t feel left out
At the beginning it might feel like we’re off in a little bubble of our own with baby and that we don’t need you at all. Know that we need you more than ever. We want you there by our side, we are just spending day and night running to meet baby’s needs. Find a time where we can do something together as a family, even if it’s just a Sunday walk. Or offer to take the baby for a few hours so you can spend some time with them as well.
If we judge your every move when you take over caring for the baby, remember that it’s just because we’re nervous. We’re so scared of making mistakes and we feel so responsible for this little person that we feel the need to step in and try and do things our way. Remind us that as a new dad you need time with the baby too, to find your own way of doing things and to build your own baby bond. Your special Daddy-baby time will also give us a much needed break!
We still love you, we’re just knackered and cranky
Honestly. We love you. We’re not sure how we’d cope without you. But we’re utterly knackered and snappy and spiky. Sometimes we feel down and we take it out on you. Sometimes you do something wrong. Well not wrong. But not the way we’d do it or not as quickly as we’d do it. And we snap. We’re sorry. We’re at our wit’s end and we don’t mean it. Please don’t give up and stop trying to help us. We need you. We need to know you love us for who we are, not just as a mum. We’re feeling insecure and we need you to reassure us that you love us just as much as you did before we had a baby.
We still fancy you, we’re just all touched out
We do want you. We just feel all ‘touched out’. Our baby demands every part of our body all day. We just want to feel as if we can have some time alone where not one is grabbing at us and making any physical demands. Our boobs are feeding machines and feel all cow like. Our bodies are tired from holding and rocking our baby all night and day. We crave physical space. It sounds cliched to say ‘It’s not you, it’s me’, but it really is. Try to understand. Make us feel loved and desirable – stretch marks, mum tum and all.
We will come back to you
We will both go through huge changes as we become parents. From one day to the next we are responsible for this little creature and we are doing our best to raise them right. We sacrifice sleep, food and sanity to give them the best that we can. The first few years are tough as these little people take all our time and energy to raise well. But don’t forget that there is a last for everything and things do get easier. Babies will get bigger, they will sleep more, they will learn to do more and more things by themselves. We will get our energy back and we will have time for each other again, to rediscover ourselves as we were and as new mum and new dad.
We really need some breaks
We’re trying to do it all. That’s what mums are supposed to do. Right? We’re trying to hold it all together and keep it all going but we’re knackered. And we really need a break. Even half an hour here and there. We honesty feel like we might keel over if we don’t get one soon. We know you said your mum will help out but we’re too ashamed to call her. We’d love it if you did. We know we don’t ask you to do bath times and give us 20 minutes to ourselves. We’d love it if you did. We know you’re knackered too. If we can find small ways to give each other a break we’d love that too.
We’re better together
It’s a life changing experience becoming a new mum. And becoming a new dad. The same experience might look very different to each partner. And when sleep deprivation and hormones take over, it’s hard to make each other understand the enormity of the changes you’re both coping with in your different ways. If every new mum could let every new dad know all these things that they are feeling, then things might be a little easier. If you’re a new mum share this with your partner. Help understand each other more. And remember you’re both doing an amazing job as new parents.
